SUPPORTING YOUNG PEOPLE
What are some of the factors of military life that can complicate the grieving process for military children ?

From the arrival of the Notifying officer ( CNO) who might be in uniform through to funerals with  full military honors, military traditions and rituals surround the death of deceased service members.  Not  every family  wants or accepts a full military funeral, for some they area comfort and for others an additional  heartache.  But  for all  repatriated bodies there will be media coverage and  some military   ceremony as it is the  Service  returning its dead  home – the family   are invited to attend.

Delayed Funeral:  For operational deaths  overseas there is an understandable  but agonizing  delay in  getting the body home,  and then seeing it handed to the coroner for post  mortem etc    before it is released for   a funeral. Many military children lose loved ones to combat, and in some cases, the body may be disfigured,  eg., if death was caused by an improvised explosive device (IED).

Inquests:  For many families the inquest  is inevitable and hangs over them  - delaying  moving on in the grieving process “ You cant move on till all the landmarks are reached.

The political nature of war and the public nature of military deaths is such that military children may feel confused by how the death is reported or discussed within their families and friends, in their school, or in their community. A child who overhears conversation that a parent died “needlessly” in an “unnecessary” war may find it much harder to accept and integrate that death than a child whose parent’s death is considered “noble” or “heroic.”

Older teenagers may have their own opinions and feelings about war, and these may either ease or complicate their grief over the loss of their loved ones.

Military deaths during wartime are part of public events which diminishes the privacy that families usually have when grieving. This lack of privacy can make it more difficult for family members and other caring adults to protect children from unexpected or unwanted intrusions into family mourning. A family may prefer that the death be kept private while others  encourage media attention. This can be very confusing  for  children.
Many well-meaning individuals can encroach on desired privacy.

Media can be particularly intrusive and sometimes even aggressive,  eg., when they arrive unexpectedly at homes or funeral services where bereaved children are present. Responsible family members should be encouraged to set limits on intruders or well-intentioned individuals to protect children’s interests.
TV , newspapers and radio can carry  photos  of the deceased and articles with no warning for  many years after the event This  can be very upsetting. Media coverage of the  war  zone or other  deaths/ repatriations can   bring it all back   years later.

Not all  unexpected and  “unnatural deaths”  are as a result of  operational duties. Many other deaths occur as the result of accidents, risk-related behaviors, medical illnesses, or suicide. Any of these circumstances can further complicate children’s reactions and affect their ability to integrate their loss.

Military service parents may have been deployed for extended periods of time before dying. Because of this, children who may already have been dealing with their parent’s physical absence for some time may not experience any immediate changes in their day-to-day life when they learn of the death. Their past experience with the person’s absence may make it hard for some children to accept the permanence of their loss or to take part in their family’s grieving.

Bereaved families who live on military units will likely be surrounded by community support and interest. Families typically appreciate this interest and support, but they should also feel free to choose what is most helpful for them. However, the combination of sadness and fear brought about by a death can be challenging for bereaved military children when they are with other military children who are not bereaved.

Reserve and TA families, or others who live outside military communities, may find that their unique grief is less well understood by others around them.

Children who attend schools with few other military children may find themselves isolated in their experiences of loss. They may feel that others do not fully understand what they are going through.

After a parent dies, military children often experience additional stresses that further magnify the effects of their loss. eg., they may have to move from the military unit where they have lived to a new community where those around them are unaware of their military identity or of the nature of their family member’s death. In such circumstances, military children may find themselves suddenly no longer “military” in that they lose that identity, in addition to leaving behind their friends and familiar activities, schools, or child-care providers.

Once in their new community, children and families must also decide what they want to share with others about the person and about their military-related experience.

Please click here to return to the main page about supporting children and young people

The Military Family - Home