Being Aware of Potential School Refusal

Not all bereaved children and young people wish to return to the familiarity of school life; some children and young people are resolute that they cannot and will not return to school following the death of someone close. It is important for school staff to be aware of why some bereaved children and young people fear returning to school and flatly refuse to do so.

If the school has not been in contact with the bereaved child or young person and their family following the death, the child or young person may become anxious as to how much their peers, classmates and teachers know about their bereavement. As bereavement can be a universally difficult subject to broach, the bereaved child or young person may be concerned that by returning to school they will be inundated with questions from other pupils that will require them to relive the death all over again.

If the bereaved child or young person is already having difficulties understanding their bereavement, the possibility of being asked about it over and over can prove truly frightening.

Conversely, the bereaved child or young person might believe that they as a person have now changed as a direct result of the death and will therefore be treated as a “freak” or with curiosity by their peers. This can be equally terrifying to a bereaved child or young person.

If the bereaved child or young person is feeling particularly emotionally raw and prone to crying the thought of openly sobbing in front of their class mates is another reason why they might be refusing to return to school, particularly young boys.

Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for a bereaved child or young person to be the subject of bullying. Even the most popular and self assured child or young person can fall victim to taunting following a bereavement. School staff need to be on their guard for this. Left unchecked, bullying can have massive ramifications on a child or young person’s mental, emotional and social development.

How Can I Help?

• If the bereaved child or young person and their family have expressed a wish for you to inform other students about the death make sure you know what information their consent covers.
• If it is appropriate to do so, visit the bereaved child or young person and their family and explain to the child or young person what support they can expect, what other students / staff know about the death and how the school will put in place measures to help them cope when they return to school.
• Explain to the other students (if consent has been given by the bereaved family) in language appropriate to their age / levels of comprehension what has happened and request their understanding and compassion when the bereaved child or young person returns to school.
• Reinforce that bullying / teasing of the bereaved child or young person will not be tolerated.
• Try to be mindful that when talking to your students about the death some students may have also been bereaved and the nature of their loss and the loss of the newly bereaved child or young person might be similar. For example, if both deaths were cancer related or if the persons who have died were both mothers to the bereaved children / young people emotions may be heightened and they too may need support.
• Encourage the students to ask questions. This will help you to convey the facts and allow the children or young people to explore their own feelings and thoughts relating to death. This will also encourage the students to empathise with the bereaved child or young person and help to dispel rumours.
• Try not to be alarmed if some of the students giggle or make inappropriate comments when you inform them of the death. This is a natural reaction for some children and young people when they are told something serious. Such behaviour is often indicative of shock or uneasiness.

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